So much to be thankful for this year!! In June Kayla returned from Thailand and SE Asia. In August AnneMarie left for Lee University. And tonight she comes home to celebrate Thanksgiving with us! But throughout this semester, I have been filled with joy at watching from a distance as she is enjoys college life. I just wanted to post my journal entry about letting go, and say, "Thank you, Lord, for giving me the grace to not just "let go" as my children grow, but the sheer joy and excitement I have as they journey toward becoming all that you have designed them to be!"
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| Kayla and AnneMarie 5 and 3 |
Here's the journal entry ...
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| Kayla's kindergarten graduation |
January 5, 2014.
Today I keep reminding myself to just breathe. I
can’t let my thoughts go too far down the week, because the end of the week
brings something I’m not ready to face.
Kayla flies away. And yet in some
ways, I wish these few days had already passed, and that she was already there,
in Bangkok, settled in with a smile on her face, so I could begin the
countdown, 150, 149, 148, … until she
returns, with stories by the dozen, lighting up the room with God’s crazy love
pouring out all over the place, while we play catch-up, trying hard to begin to
imagine all those days where she lived life to the full, becoming more, while
we just lived the same, here.
I hate to admit it, but I know that this feeling of losing
Kayla’s company cuts deeper than it will for the next, and the next, and the
next, and the next one. Kayla is more
than daughter. She’s sister/friend in
the kingdom, my co-conspirator in this Spirit-filled life that continually
strains against the status quo of American existence. She does it much better than I, of course;
far less years of baggage and habits, and far less weighing her down, worries, hopes and fears. And far more time to just be. She lives and breathes kingdom love and
power, soaking it in from secret wells.
I’ve raised her for this very thing, of course; so in a way
it’s my own fault – this pain of letting her go so far. But I must remember that many other moms say
good-bye at this age. And not all (not
many) are so secretly jealous of the life to which their offspring is
called. No; many hold their breath this
week as their barely adult child heads off to war … or to nowhere, led along by
passions for things that will destroy.
I am blessed to have raised one whose passion is for God’s
kingdom, and it is that which will see me through as I count down the
days. My daughter is called, chosen,
highly-favored by her Father above.
Called by the King of Kings … to set the captives free, to save lives,
to save souls. Like Mordecai I must
confess, “…you were born for such a time as this.” Who am I to hold you back?
There is a part of me that knows that this first true
letting go, though the most difficult to date, will be followed by more. She will not settle for a handsome Mr. Right,
with a nice comfortable job, to sweep her off to a nice comfortable suburban
home, so that I can drive my minivan down to pick up the grandkids and whisk
them off to the zoo. She will choose
someone who has no desire for the American dream, no desire for the status quo;
he will spur her on to higher things, to do more, to go farther, to go lower,
and to bring hope to the hopeless.
I refuse to hold her back.
I deeply desire for her the life that she is called to -- and the man
who will pray daily with her so that this life becomes reality. As much as I would love to see my grandkids
every weekend… as much as I want to see them well-fed and protected, I would
never wish upon Kayla a life half lived, or a man not ready to pursue
wholehearted kingdom living with her.
Kayla, my darling, the Lord will indeed write stories using
you as the main character. Together you
will bring many to know the Father, and I will rejoice! I will never forget that I gave you back to
your heavenly Father the day you were born – only hours after I birthed
you. What I realized then, and must
recall each day from now on, is that you, Kayla, are more HIS than you are
mine, and HE was simply gracious enough to ask.
More than that, He was gracious enough to give me the grace and strength
to say yes, through tears. And so each
time HE again will ask, another letting go, it will be by HIS grace and
strength alone that I say, YES! By the
grace of God, you will do great exploits.
By the grace of God, I will go with you in prayer, in spirit, one of your
diligent intercessors. And if the Lord
wills, perhaps by HIS grace, we will serve together somewhere some day. But I will leave that up to HIM!
Today I must say, as much as I am crazy in love with you, I
love God more, and I choose to trust and obey, with thanksgiving for every day
you are away, without wishing one of them away.
For His ways are far higher than mine!
Father, let it be done according to your Will, not mine.
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Let's all hang on tight with big smiles on our faces and enjoy the ride!
